Money is dirty, send it to me

plague_bacteria

Model of Bubonic Plague basterium

Okay, maybe that won’t work. But you do need to read this article about bacteria on dollar bills (at NPR), just in case it changes your mind. It includes a sentence you may never have read before: “Other money dwellers included mouth microbes — because people lick their fingers when they count bills … and bacteria that thrive in the vagina.”

No mention of what the bacteria count is on hundred-dollar bills. Without further investigation, we can only speculate: are people with hundred-dollar bills higher class and more likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom, so those bills will be cleaner? Or are hundred-dollar bills mostly used for illicit dealings such as drug sales and prostitution, for instance — and so they have more exotic and maybe dangerous bacteria?

This is an issue crying out for further study, so I urge you to send me your hundred-dollar bills so that I can carry out this dangerous research, or something like it. I promise not to lick your bills, and will send them back to you after study, if they are not eaten up by the costs of tedious but meaningful research.

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Written entertainment for the digital age.

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